Can you figure out last week's Secret Theme rounds?

Each group of 10 otherwise unrelated tough questions has a theme running through its answers. Can you answer the questions and figure out the themes? Answers will be posted later this week.

Drinker's Tavern:

1) What national chain of restaurants, founded in Los Angeles in 1986, claims to serve "The Original Hamburger"?
2) What 1975 album by Bob Dylan and The Band contained recordings made by them between 1967-1975?
3) What rock band, founded in Stockton, CA in 1989, recorded the albums Wowie Zowie and Slanted & Enchanted?
4) According to Abraham Lincoln, what "shall not perish from the Earth"?
5) What track from The Beach Boys' Pet Sounds, featuring harpsichord and French horn, was named the 13th best track ever by Mojo and 25th best ever by Rolling Stone?
6) What was the must-have item for kids in 1954, owing to the popularity of the Disney TV show Davy Crockett, Indian Fighter?
7) What was the name of the NASA mission that first sent men to the moon in 1969?
8) In 1992, Elizabeth Taylor did a memorable guest voice on The Simpsons; what character did she play?
9) What violent left-wing American group accidentally blew up three of their own members in a Greenwich Village townhouse in 1970?
10) What unfortunate item was invented and first installed in Oklahoma City by Carl C. Magee in 1935?

... and what theme links the ten answers?

Ray's Happy Birthday Bar (Wednesday):

1) Who won the 2003 World Series MVP award for the Florida Marlins?
2) Who was the protagonist of Victor Hugo's 1831 novel Notre Dame de Paris?
3) What jazz musician is most credited for making the flute a jazz instrument? His 1969 album Memphis Underground is highly regarded.
4) What American labor leader founded both the United Mineworkers and the CIO?
5) Which one of the Cosby Kids of Fat Albert fame had the catchphrase "No class!"?
6) President Harry S Truman had a wooden sign on his desk starting in 1945. One side read "I'm from Missouri!", what did the other side read?
7) What was Moses Malone's 1983 playoff battle cry for the Philadelphia 76ers?
8) Which European country is sometimes referred to as "the hexagon" by its residents in their own language?
9) What was John Wayne's birth name?
10) Who was the Dallas Cowboys' starting punter and/or quarterback on and off 1979-1987?

... and what theme links the ten answers?

Twice-weekly quiz at Ray's Happy Birthday Bar a ripping success; three-way tie for first for the first time ever!

The first week of the new schedule has been an unqualified success. "Thanks to you, it's working!"

The quiz has been energized by a group of School District of Philadelphia teachers who are certain contenders. I attended the district myself, and they done learned me up plenty gud.

We had our first-ever three-way tie in a harder than usual quiz on Wednesday, with Clearview Mortgage, Late Room and Kisses for Kittens Plus Unicorns even at 87. The tie was broken by asking how many signers of the Declaration of Independence there were. The teams respectively answered 23, 30 and 27. The correct answer is 56.

Beautiful Gold: Late Room 89 (OT)
So-So Silver: Kisses for Kittens Plus Unicorns 88 (OT)
Shameful, Shameful Bronze: Clearview Mortgage 87 (OT)

Also-rans:

The Castaways 74
Three's Company 57

On Monday we celebrated the birthday of long-time MAGMA member Laura with a series of questions about June 14th. The two quizzes are completely different and I see some are up for playing twice/week, which is fine by me. Scores follow...

Beautiful Gold: Tommy Punch Balls Tommy... 124
So-So Silver: Six Days Til Vacation 112
Shameful, Shameful Bronze: The Girls 87

Also-rans:

Late Room 72
Edward James Almost 70

My Couch Pulls Out But I Don't wins at Drinker's, but after two weeks Dons Quizzote retain overall cumulative points lead

Another heavy turnout at Drinker's Tavern, and for the second week in a row an undermanned Dons Quizzote team finished second to a group of visiting players who can't return to compete for the tournament championship, four weeks from completion in this cycle. These guys did however spend their $25 gift card on more 40s than I've seen anyone drink in a long time... proof, as they said, that sometimes you can get hammered and still be the sharpest people in the room...

I'm going to try and catch up with the postings of winners I've neglected over the past month soon. In the meantime...

Cumulative Drinker's Tournament Points After Two Weeks:

Dons Quizzote 162
My Couch Pulls Out But I Don't 120
Crank Monsters 77
The Limeys 72
DKahn Drinkers 69
Tera, Matt and Sara 64
Team Snoopy 59
Spirit 56
Paradox XXX 76%ers 53
Extra Big 47
Frankenstein 42
Just Joined 21
Tinky Town 20

Summer continues with a new schedule

Sunday, June 29, 9pm
Lyon's Den
2nd & Christian Sts.
Subject Round: YOU GOTTA HAVE HEART

Monday, June 30, 9pm
Ray's Happy Birthday Bar
1200 E. Passyunk Ave.
(near 9th & Federal Sts.)
Subject Round: CURIOUS CUSTOMS

Tuesday, July 1, 9pm
Drinker's Tavern
Market St. between Front & 2nd Sts.
Subject Round: HORROR MOVIES
Week #3 of tournament cycle

Wednesday, July 2, 9pm
Ray's Happy Birthday Bar
1200 E. Passyunk Ave.
(near 9th & Federal Sts.)
Subject Round: GO WEST, YOUNG MAN

Solutions to last week's Secret Theme rounds

Lyon's Den:

The theme was types of dog.

1) Which current NHL franchise began as the Kansas City Scouts in 1974? New Jersey Devils / Devil Dogs
2) What comic strip, many say the world's first daily, was created by Bud Fisher in 1907? Mutt and Jeff
3) What singer has been backed by The Grease Band since 1966? Joe Cocker / Cocker spaniel
4) What 1984 movie, set in Nebraska, was based upon a Stephen King story? Children of the Corn / corn dog
5) Singers named Ruth, Anita and Issa are better known collectively as what act? Pointer Sisters
6) What do you call the type of logically absurd statement which reveals a paradoxical truth which is traced back to Sir Boyle Roche, but also popularized by Yogi Berra and Sam Goldwyn? Irish bull / bulldog
7) Who played Richie Valens in the 1987 movie La Bamba? Lou Diamond Phillips / Diamond Dogs
8) What English county is known as "Bronte Country"? Yorkshire / Yorkshire terrier
9) With what single did former New York Doll David Johansen have a huge hit in 1987? "Hot Hot Hot" / hot dog
10) In what 1998 movie did Robin Williams play the real-life founder of the Gesundheit! Institute? Patch Adams / Dogpatch

Drinker's Tavern:

Would you believe... types of cat.

1) What powerful Alaskan senator is the longest-serving current Republican senator, having been elected first in 1968? Ted Stevens / Cat Stevens
2) What 1981 David Cronenberg sci-fi film claimed that only 237 of Earth's 4 billion people held the most terrifying power ever? Scanners / CAT scan
3) According to Mick Jagger, what happens to troubadours for whom traps are laid? They "get killed before they reach Bombay" / Bombay breed
4) How do you say "left" and "right" in Thai (this is easier than you would expect if you think about it...)? Chang and Eng, the names of the original "Siamese twins" / Siamese
5) What country did fascist Italy invade in 1935-36? The name of the country at the time helps with the theme. Abyssinia / Abyssinian
6) What real-life Western pioneer was depicted in the 1977 live-action Disney movie __________ and the Mountain Men? Kit Carson / Kit-Kat
7) The 23rd state broke off from Massachusetts in 1820; name it. Maine / Maine coon cat
8) What prime time show, which debuted in 2003, follows the careers of Dr. Dylan Walsh and Dr. Sean McNamara? Nip/Tuck / cat nip
9) What male first name means "happy" or "fortunate" in Latin? Felix (the Cat)
10) What classic TV character, an employee of fictional WJM-TV, was partial inspiration for Simpsons character Kent Brockman? Ted Baxter / Baxter is the Meow Mix cat

A photo-op, by any other name...

In case you've missed it, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton will begin campaigning together in itsy bitsy Unity, New Hampshire on Friday. Get it, "Unity?" You see, they are promoting this unity idea, and if they do it in Unity, you'll get this whole "unity" message. Appearances in, say, Dayton or San Antonio could send us all right off-message, perhaps never to return. We're all daft enough it seems that the two appearing with each other on the campaign trail isn't clear enough. We need blunt metaphor, sold as the soul of wit itself. Some power tie-wearing consultant was just paid about $50K out of that big corporate money Obama's been raising for coming up with that one.

I would suggest a few other town names for 2008 politicians to campaign in.

How about Truth or Consequences, New Mexico?

How about Obama begins in Mars, Pennsylvania and Hillary in Venus, Pennsylvania, and they meet somewhere in the middle? Because, as we all know from the old cliche, winners are from Mars and losers are from Venus.

While in the Keystone State, Bill and Hillary could continue to avoid Intercourse, but Bill could always continue alone to to his old stomping grounds of Moreheadsville, seeing as Hillary already sent him to Reamstown.

You get the idea. Since both have been generally supportive of NAFTA, maybe they should visit our Rust Belt jobs in Mexico. Or, here's an idea, how about dropping by Falluja?

RIP George Carlin

Another one of the good guys is gone. How can we lose Bo Diddley and this guy but Dick Cheney is still here..?

And this one was posted by some Ron Paul folks (hence the campaign signs), but regardless, geez, Carlin knew the score...

Low scores, high turnout at Drinker's Tavern - you're still in the running to win the next tourney!

A vacationing couple of Mancunians won the first week of the tourney cycle at Drinker's this past week, but left the city for Boston on Friday. This means that they have the lead in this six-week cumulative points tournament cycle (grand prize: a leather golf bag plus a variety of trivia-related games and books supplied by yours truly), but that does them precious little good.

And, yes, I asked and they are Man United and not Man City supporters, I'm not just playing to stereotype with the graphic. I forgot to take a photo, which is a shame as that would have made nice bragging rights back home.

Turnout was unusually high but scores were low; you can discount the 72 points and 62 points is easily caught up with over a five-week period. Heck, some of you beat people by that much every week... Of course the gift cards, T-shirts etc. are available every week. Last tourney cycle's champs Dons Quizzote, represented with only one member this past week, are effectively in the lead with 62 measly points. It's anyone's golf bag after one week.

Cumulative Drinker's Tournament Points After One Week:

The Limeys 72
Don Quizzote 62
Spirit 56
Paradox XXX 76%ers 53
Extra Big 47
Frankenstein 42
Just Joined 21
Tinky Town 20

Can you figure out this week's Secret Theme rounds, or are you some sort of bananahead?

Each group of 10 otherwise unrelated tough questions has a theme running through its answers. Can you answer the questions and figure out the themes? Answers will be posted early next week.

Lyon's Den:

1) Which current NHL franchise began as the Kansas City Scouts in 1974?

2) What comic strip, many say the world's first daily, was created by Bud Fisher in 1907?

3) What singer has been backed by The Grease Band since 1966?

4) What 1984 movie, set in Nebraska, was based upon a Stephen King story?

5) Singers named Ruth, Anita and Issa are better known collectively as what act?

6) What do you call the type of logically absurd statement which reveals a paradoxical truth which is traced back to Sir Boyle Roche, but also popularized by Yogi Berra and Sam Goldwyn?

7) Who played Richie Valens in the 1987 movie La Bamba?

8) What English county is known as "Bronte Country"?

9) With what single did former New York Doll David Johansen have a huge hit in 1987?

10) In what 1998 movie did Robin Williams play the real-life founder of the Gesundheit! Institute?

... and what theme links the ten answers?

Drinker's Tavern:

1) What powerful Alaskan senator is the longest-serving current US Senator, having been elected first in 1968?

2) What 1981 David Cronenberg sci-fi film claimed that only 237 of Earth's 4 billion people held the most terrifying power ever?

3) According to Mick Jagger, what happens to troubadours for whom traps are laid?

4) How do you say "left" and "right" in Thai (this is easier than you would expect if you think about it...)?

5) What country did fascist Italy invade in 1935-36?  The name of the country at the time helps with the theme.

6) What real-life Western pioneer was depicted in the 1977 live-action Disney movie ___________ and the Mountain Men?

7) The 23rd state broke off from Massachusetts in 1820; name it.

8) What prime time show, which debuted in 2003, follows the careers of Dr. Dylan Walsh and Dr. Sean McNamara?

9) What male first name means "happy" or "fortunate" in Latin?

10) What classic TV character, an employee of fictional WJM-TV, was partial inspiration for Simpsons character Kent Brockman?

... and what theme links the ten answers?

Dude, there's like a totally new quiz schedule - Ray's twice each week!

Starting next week, a second Ray's quiz will take place each week on Wednesday evenings. Same rules you all know and love, same prizes, but frankly (pun intended) a better venue.  The questions will be completely different in each game, so, yes, you can play twice/week.

Sunday, June 22, 9pm

Lyon's Den

2nd & Christian Sts.
Subject Round: ALCOHOL

Monday, June 23, 9pm
Ray's Happy Birthday Bar
1200 E. Passyunk Ave.
(near 9th & Federal Sts.)
Subject Round: BIRTHDAYS

Tuesday, June 24, 9pm
Drinker's Tavern
Market St. between Front & 2nd Sts.
Subject Round: ENGLAND

Monday, June 25, 9pm
Ray's Happy Birthday Bar
1200 E. Passyunk Ave.
(near 9th & Federal Sts.)
Subject Round: CALIFORNIA

Newsflash: Earth's moon is actually quite large, which is why it looks big...

File this in the time-worn dumb science article category.

Owing to the position of the moon in the night sky tonight, i.e. close to the horizon, it's going to appear larger than it normally appears to us. Whenever this happens, we get a rash of boilerplate articles like this one claiming that the moon will appear "unusually large," which is an "illusion."

I hate to break it to the new kid with the journalism degree who got stuck at the science desk, but the moon really is friggin' enormous. Aside from distant galaxies, so far away that they appear to the naked eye as single weak stars, or aside from the stars themselves and our solar system's other planets which also appear as no larger than stars, the moon is the largest object we can ever see. It's the only huge object close enough to us that we can begin to have any sense of its scale at all, and in fact almost all of the time it appears ridiculously small.

At human scale, which directly affects and dictates our perception of size, the moon is so large that we can barely comprehend an object of that mass. The numbers have intellectual but little perceptual weight; nothing in daily human experience prepares us, or has evolutionarily prepared us, to think about the actual size of the moon compared to, say, a hoagie. The illusion is that we have any sense at all how big the moon might be, the illusion is the inkling that the moon is ever in any way "small" compared to anything we can experience through our appropriately-scaled senses. The horizon-hugging moon is a tiny correction of our drastic misperception.

As the great Carl Sagan would say, we're limited by our scale as small creatures on the Pale Blue Dot...

Schedule changes ahead; new Drinker's tournament begins tonight

You no doubt know Frank's abruptly ended the Wednesday night quiz after 7 years or so, without notice. In an attempt to fill that void, we're going to try doing Ray's Happy Birthday Bar twice/week, the usual Monday plus Wednesday. Ray's actually does want your money, doesn't want jackasses ruining anybody's evening (drunken idiocy = getting tossed), and thinks trivia is a fine activity that isn't irritating to anyone with a shred of sense. My kind of place.

We might also do some sort of tournament involving "A" and "B" nights/teams, although this idea is in its very early stages. I will update you via email and blog as things progress. Next week Ray's will only occur Monday night; the following week we'll do Monday plus Wednesday, and then we go from there. If enough people come out, we go to twice/week.

The Drinker's quiz is tonight, 9pm, as are all of the quizzes. A new multi-week tournament begins tonight, so in addition to the $25 gift card and T-shirts available every week, you can build points for the multiple-week prize, which will either be a surfboard or golf bag... I should find out soon. This would be the night to try out Drinker's for a first time, seeing as if you like it you're getting in on the ground floor of a tourney cycle. If you were thinking of getting around to playing a quiz or two, now is a good time to jump in.

Incidentally I'm talking with a venue about the possibility of Thursday night quizzes, beginning in September. If anyone has any ideas or contacts for an additional venue, please do contact me. All of my quizzes are the same format and the level of difficulty you've come to enjoy.

Hope to see you soon!

Solutions to last week's Secret Themes

Drinker's Tavern:

The theme was elements.

1) What won Employee of the Month instead of Homer Simpson even though he was the last remaining employee at the nuke plant who hadn't won? An inanimate carbon rod
2) From a different Simpsons episode, fill in the quote: "You said you wanted to live in a world without _____ , Jimmy. Well now your car has no battery. ..." zinc
3) What's the phrase in English for China's primary food production region? Iron Rice Bowl
4) Britain's Eagle Comics produces Judge Dredd, as well as a few other titles, including a comic about a mutant anti-hero named Johnny Alpha; name it. Strontium Dog
5) What Republican lost to Lyndon Johnson in the 1964 presidential election? Barry Goldwater
6) According to Borat, Kazakhstan is "number one exporter" of what? potassium
7) In what movie classic do two old ladies assert that almost everyone else is "pixelated"? Arsenic and Old Lace
8) What classic rock band was briefly billed as The New Yardbirds? Led Zeppelin
9) On internet chat boards, what phrase is commonly used to indicate cranks or conspiracy theorists, often indicated with smileys such as <(:-) ? tinfoil hat
10) What groundbreaking 66-satellite network allows subscribers to make and receive calls on a cell phone from anywhere in the world? Iridium

Dirty Frank's:

The theme was fashion magazines.

1) What was developed by Wallace Carothers at DuPont in 1935? Nylon
2) French brothers Auguste and Louis were groundbreaking motion picture entrepreneurs who started public shows in 1895; what was their surname? Lumiere
3) According to the 1969 Peter Sarstedt hit "Where Do You Go to My Lovely" (featured heavily in The Darjeeling Limited), what's the name of the woman being addressed in the lyric? Marie Claire

4) What 1988 crime film starred Sean Penn and Robert Duvall? Colors
5) What Sicilian-American, who died in 1962, is considered the father of modern American organized crime? Lucky Luciano / Lucky
6) What model was born Eleanor Nancy Gow? Elle Macpherson
7) What famous TV character claimed his personal heroes were Mickey Mantle and Bette Midler? Comso Kramer
8) According to Peter Gibbons, what did the Nazis have that they made Jews wear? "pieces of flare" / Flair
9) In what 1973 film did Jack Nicholson play a character nicknamed Bad Ass? The Last Detail / Details
10) What Madonna hit contains the lyric "Go inside, for your finest inspiration"? "Vogue"

Next week's quiz schedule

As you might know, since these placeholder photos were pretty random to begin with, I've just been tossing weird travel pics in these updates. Here's a curbside metalhead supply piercing sign I spotted in Guatemala City's Zona 1. That's one of the joys of the Third World - the outdoor tattooing, piercing and dentistry. Maybe next week I'll post the photo I took of the guys sitting on a curb in Bangkok, getting tattooed... It's also always a hoot to come across a little pocket of Slayer fan kids surrounded by reggaeton.

Sunday, June 15, 9pm
Lyon's Den
2nd & Christian Sts.
Subject Round: "IT'S PAT!"

Monday, June 16, 9pm
Ray's Happy Birthday Bar
1200 E. Passyunk Ave.
(near 9th & Federal Sts.)
Subject Round: SPORTS IN MOVIES

Tuesday, June 17, 9pm
Drinker's Tavern
Market St. between Front & 2nd Sts.
Subject Round: COMEDY FILMS
First week of six-week tournament cycle.
I don't yet have confirmation of what the tourney prize will be; likely either a leather golf bag or a surfboard. When I get word, which should be soon, I'll post it. The weekly prizes are independent of this and you can win these any single week based on that week's score, just like any other quiz. I supplement the tourney prize with some admittedly hokey trivia-related books and games. Congratulations to Dons Quizzote who won the most recent tournament going away just last week! They won a Tuaca Chiller machine which retails at over $300, on top of the gift cards each week.

Wednesday, June 18, 9pm
Dirty Frank's 13th & Pine Sts.
THERE IS NO MORE QUIZ
No longer any point in going as best as I can see. Consider my other three quizzes and/or one of the other fine Wednesday night venues in the city if you can't make those.

Last week's Secret Theme rounds

Each group of 10 otherwise unrelated tough questions has a theme running through its answers. Can you answer the questions and figure out the themes? Answers will be posted early next week.

Drinker's Tavern:

1) What won Employee of the Month instead of Homer Simpson even though he was the last remaining employee at the nuke plant who hadn't won?
2) From a different Simpsons episode, fill in the quote: "You said you wanted to live in a world without _____ , Jimmy. Well now your car has no battery. ..."
3) What's the phrase in English for China's primary food production region?
4) Britain's Eagle Comics produces Judge Dredd, as well as a few other titles, including a comic about a mutant anti-hero named Johnny Alpha; name it.
5) What Republican lost to Lyndon Johnson in the 1964 presidential election?
6) According to Borat, Kazakhstan is "number one exporter" of what?
7) In what movie classic do two old ladies assert that almost everyone else is "pixelated"?
8) What classic rock band was briefly billed as The New Yardbirds?
9) On internet chat boards, what phrase is commonly used to indicate cranks or conspiracy theorists, often indicated with smileys such as <(:-) ?
10) What groundbreaking 66-satellite network allows subscribers to make and receive calls on a cell phone from anywhere in the world?


... and what theme links the ten answers?

Dirty Frank's:

This was the final Secret Theme that you were cheated out of hearing.

1) What was developed by Wallace Carothers at DuPont in 1935?
2) French brothers Auguste and Louis were groundbreaking motion picture entrepreneurs who started public shows in 1895; what was their surname?
3) According to the 1969 Peter Sarstedt hit "Where Do You Go to My Lovely" (featured heavily in The Darjeeling Limited), what's the name of the woman being addressed in the lyric?
4) What 1988 crime film starred Sean Penn and Robert Duvall?
5) What Sicilian-American, who died in 1962, is considered the father of modern American organized crime?
6) What model was born Eleanor Nancy Gow?
7) What famous TV character claimed his personal heroes were Mickey Mantle and Bette Midler?
8) According to Peter Gibbons, what did the Nazis have that they made Jews wear?
9) In what 1973 film did Jack Nicholson play a character nicknamed Bad Ass?
10) What Madonna hit contains the lyric "Go inside, for your finest inspiration"?

... and what theme links the ten answers?

Dirty Frank's, worst bar in the city, pulls the plug on seven years of quizzo with no notice for loyal patrons

After seven years of amazing customer loyalty, Frank's abruptly decided that the 20 or so people who showed up for the quiz last night were "not enough" and pulled the plug on the event. People drove from as far as the Main Line, and I know a few of you walked from deep in South Philly. Some of you have been customers since you were old enough to drink, I know in many cases 5-20+ years. I know many of you showed up over 300 times over the past seven years of Wednesdays. I know you spent many times more money than you were awarded in wholesale booze counted in retail-priced certificates.

No one at Frank's gives a flying fuck about you. We're all disposable pieces of shit to them, which is ironic as you can't get much shittier than some of the staff. Keep in mind that an employee who smacked a customer in the head and threw a chair across the room is still employed there, but the quiz has to go... because the quiz made a few unsavory alcoholics unhappy. Does it get much more dysfunctional than that?

I have not been contacted by anybody at the managerial or ownership level about this, which is cowardly and unprofessional at best. Tuesday afternoon they had Sheila call me with almost no useful information, except to float the idea that I should essentially blackmail customers into coming in larger numbers or the plug might be pulled.

Sheila has absolutely no idea what the magic number of customers might be for a viable quiz. Seriously, zero idea. She asked if I did(?!), which is pretty odd considering I'm the only person involved here who doesn't touch the register or see books. It seems that over the past seven years the bar has spent over $30,000 on the quiz without ever once running some numbers to see if it was making money. This is mismanagement at an extreme. (For the record, I think it did make money on balance, if not every single night it occurred, not to mention the fact that the quiz provided the bar with nearly its only attempts at advertising or publicity, wholly through my effort to push the quiz. Again, just a stupid, stupid business move.)

The owner felt a financial pinch, and, the bar not able to pull additional customers in I suppose, figured ditching the quiz was the way to increase profits. This is stupid at multiple levels.

I became a Frank's regular more than 12 years ago. I played the quiz there for about 5 years, starting the very first night. I'm never spending a penny in that shithole again. The loyalty that you and I have shown to that place over the years has been "rewarded" by not having the decency to give regulars - not even to give me - one week's notice that the quiz might not happen. Some of you have played over 300 times, and we can't give you a one-time head's up to stay home the following week..? As far as I'm concerned, the bar's pre-quiz beer revenue was earned under fraudulent pretenses last night.

The quiz was advertised on this site (which was, incidentally, the bar's only web presence...) and was listed in two weekly papers. I had less than 36 hours notice that anything was even considered amiss. Not only is this a boneheaded business decision, but the manner of pulling it off is rude, disrespectful and trades the good vibe of a customer perk for the bad vibe of jerking the bar's most loyal customers around needlessly. These people work in the service industry?

I wasn't paid a penny last night, even though I prepared for a quiz I had every reason to believe was happening, showed up on time, prepared my material and did the usual promotion. My law friends tell me that as there was a verbal contract and an issue of legal "reliability"; I could easily win that fee plus expenses in small claims court. We all got screwed.

I believe the quiz was killed last night intentionally. I had no opportunity to take a count as to how many wanted a quiz, and in fact I was discouraged from asking people if they'd like to participate. Rather than jerk you all around next Wednesday too by having you drink for a half hour or more before suggesting that "there aren't enough people" to play, I said that the honest thing to do would be to cancel the event formally. No one running that bar had the balls to come right out and fire me, and no one had the balls to tell you all directly that the quiz was cancelled. That was left to me, as a final insult and uncompensated task. What a shameful way to treat other people. "Dirty" indeed.

There was some whining that I was making more than the bartenders do some nights. Well, I do my job better. I bring people in, as best I can when the place is suffering a decade of service decline. No one comes to a bar to wait 45 minutes for the wrong drink and/or be served with a scowl. No one wants to sit next to a sad, obnoxious and possibly violent alcoholic who needed to be put into a cab three drinks ago. No one wants to be screamed at by bouncers who hate their customers. Revenues are down? Control your freakin' bar and respect your customers. One bad customer drives out ten good ones. One loud drunk drives out 20 quiz players. I have never blamed a single friend or quiz participant for not returning to Frank's for the quiz; the place is increasingly difficult to enjoy.

I'm going to seek another Wednesday or Thursday night venue. Ideas on that end are welcome. In the meantime, consider my three violence-free venues at right. If you want slow and/or bitter service, the opportunity for a fistfight, an increasingly pathetic alcoholic-centered group of obnoxious patrons, largely unregulated by the world's smallest bouncers... if you'd like to enjoy this with a skull-splitting soundtrack of bad metal and rap... try Frank's.

Dirty Frank's quiz in jeopardy; might switch only to nights "financially viable"

THE PROBLEM AND SOLUTIONS IN TWO PARTS:

Like or hate this little dispatch from the dark side, I see no point in being anything other than totally honest with you.

THE PROBLEM:

I had a long, ominous incoming phone call today discussing the financial viability of the Wednesday night quiz at Frank's. It seems that the owner is questioning the profitability of maintaining the quiz, and this has trickled down the pyramid to me. I would imagine part of this has to do with the generally sucky economy - worse on many counts than any other time we've been alive (unless you're over 70). It's hard for a small business to make it with rising energy and stock costs. Actually I would imagine Frank's is still making some money, just not nearly as much as usual. In tough times a lot of business extras get cut, and in fact a lot of crucial elements that are mistaken as "extras" but are actually vital get cut too.

On the other hand, I've mentioned before that the Frank's crowds any night are half the size of what they were a decade ago. Hey, other bars are crowded. Even six or so years ago the place had two Wednesday night bartenders; now there's even one some weekend nights. In my opinion this is directly attributable to the awful behavior of a small percentage of patrons which would get people flagged for life from nearly any other institution - not just bars - including, perhaps, say, the French Foreign Legion. You can only make safe haven for so many obnoxious folks before the non-obnoxious are just driven away permanently. You know a bad sign to me? That you don't see many single (as in lone, as well as unattached) women hanging out at the bar. You scare them away, the nature of a place takes a dive, no pun intended.

It's very difficult for me to promote the idea of people coming to a place to play a quiz where an employee throws a barstool across the room, smacks a customer in the head, and not only remains an employee but hangs around to mock me on the odd off-duty night. It's difficult to get people to come back to a place where sometimes people who need to be in the drunk tank are still being served, or where it's hard to hear me over the terminally rude, who decide that question 3 of round 4 is the perfect time to sing "Happy Birthday." What can I do with that? Those are tough selling points for people who love a quiz. It doesn't need to be library-quiet, we just don't need to have bedlam. I have expressed this opinion more than once, and I'm as bored with it as you are. More so.

I can only encourage new people to come to the quiz once and check it out. I think my questions are world-class,and I try to come up with interesting, all-new material four nights every week. If you like the quiz and don't feel safe or welcome in the venue, what more can I do? I knew eventually the ape behavior would scare enough people away that we would have to question the viability of continuing from a business standpoint, and all along this has driven me being visibly upset by jackasses who ruin the night. People who largely go uncontrolled are screwing up my ability to make a living. Oh joy. (Note that I'm expected to "lighten up" and "have a sense of humor" about this...)

The vicious irony that I could be driven out of work by a bad employee and few rotten customers has not escaped me. I know there are people out there who like my quiz, but don't want to try and play at Frank's specifically.

Just this past Wednesday two female customers walked into a scene of one regular holding a barstool up as a shield while another flicked a towel at him. Towel-flicker then made a booze-addled, hamfisted attempt to sweet talk the ladies, who turned around and left without ordering a drink. I don't blame them. The bar then had a laugh over that, which made me a little ill inside. "Ha ha ha - our bar is dying! We chase away new customers - ha ha ha!" And I watch my little business I've worked so hard at circle the bottom of the toilet bowl ...

THE SOLUTION?

Your bartendrix Sheila and I would like to make things better and keep the quiz going. Some weeks are very good ones, both from the standpoint of numbers and from the feel of the room. Small crowds hurt us all. Nothing is set in stone, but a few of the following things might happen soon:

* We might just not do the quiz nights a certain number of people aren't participating. That number is yet to be determined; math needs to be done and honestly none of us were tracking this. We've discussed the fact that this is the approach most likely to kill any event, as people are less likely to show up to something that might not happen. It's a really negative feedback loop. Obviously avoiding this means more people showing up, that simple. Incidentally, if you only drink water, you're welcome to the quiz and always welcome to the bar... but you're not going to count as a "customer" for these purposes.

I've pointed out that we can't work this out by counting the number of teams. There were eight teams last week and also eight the week before, but two weeks ago that appeared to be twice as many people. It's going to be a headcount thing. I've looked at slow nights as an expense incurred to ensure people come for busy nights, knowing the quiz is always there, but of course it ain't my capital and it's always easier to say that about someone else's money.

* We might, some nights, scale down the quiz to me doing it on one side of the room without amplification, and scale down prizes and my pay accordingly. I'm willing to do this as a necessity, my same approach to that time I needed root canal. At least this way if you show up for a quiz you'll still get one, and my questions won't change any.

* We might look into offering special themed quizzes and/or I might be placing additional fliers specific to each Wednesday in the bar. I'll also send out more regular emails and Craigslist posts, although honestly I trailed off because that seemed to have almost no impact, large or small crowds seeming from my perspective to be almost random. None of this can hurt (other than requiring more of my time and investment), and arguably I should've been doing that all along. I floated the idea of tournament giveaways of bar premiums in the style of Drinker's but this seems unlikely.

Finally, I could honestly use your help as a quiz player in controlling things. If you're reading this, you're "into" the quiz. Too often I have to be "bad cop" when someone is being an ass, and have to be the one to act as a bouncer or the person who tells someone that they've had one too many and needs to go home. This seriously destroys any sort of fun mood and turns some against me. Unfortunately, I have to say I would appreciate it if some of you would step it up and shush someone who's shouting answers or otherwise being a prat, ruining your night too. In a lot of other Philadelphia quiz venues, let's face it, some of the behavior of a few Frank's patrons would get them smacked in the head long before I got around to saying something. Honestly peer pressure tends to shame bullies and louts considerably more than having a public argument with the guy with the microphone. That's just entertaining for the jackhole, emotional mother's milk for the alcoholic, and I can't "win" in those situations.

For my part I'll attempt to remain as calm, upbeat and entermational as possible. Deal? Also, I will update you all here as news worth sharing happens. Tomorrow night's quiz is scheduled as normal.