This past Sunday the Inquirer staff saw fit to call Michael Vick "The Anointed One" in a gigantic font on its front page, followed by the worst mixed biblical metaphor I've had the displeasure to be confronted with, this by asking whether or not he would lead the Eagles to "the Promised Land."
Before anyone confuses me with Ned Flanders, my reaction as follows comes despite the fact I am an atheist. I am nevertheless familiar with the basics of Christianity; in fact this is why I'm an atheist, a topic for another time.
Jesus Christ is the Anointed One. (Many of you believed this to be Barack Obama in 2008, but you'll have to follow the links on this; trust me, it's the J-man.) In fact Χριστός (Khristos) means "anointed one", something I've known from a tender age as this is also naturally the source of my given name, one chosen for me shortly after Pope Paul VI bitch-slapped St. Christopher's feast day right off the calendar, and owing to his "pagan" origins called his sainthood into question. Who knew that would popularize the name so much?
Part of the ridiculous hypocrisy in this is of course that Jesus himself is clearly a pagan god-man figure who was often depicted as having 12 followers and is eventually nailed to (in most pre- 34 AD versions) a tree for man's salvation. (I appended that link for convenience but I'd suggest the excellent books Christianity Before Christ by Jackson and The Jesus Mysteries by former Christian theologians Freke and Gandy. I also have an excellent book on the subject by a biblical-era archeologist who wrote under a pseudonym because her colleagues are devout Christians and Jews for the most part and she didn't see her career doing at all well publishing under her own name - this to me not being a ringing endorsement of religion by itself - should I run across the book here at home I'll amend this post with its title, which I forget.)
All of this to illustrate that although I don't even think there was a "historical Jesus", about a billion people in the world do. Beyond this they consider Jesus to have been the Son of Man, God's manifestation on Earth and a being of endless compassion and wisdom. Comparing a felon/football player - one with a history of mammal torturing, lying to his bosses, breaking federal gaming laws, visiting VD clinics while spreading herpes under a name I assume was pulled from a Mexican rum bottle and giving the finger to his own fans - to the Nazerene seems to make anything I have to say on the subject positively polite by comparison.
Says ESPN:
""Vick, Peace and Phillips thought it was funny to watch the pit bull dogs belonging to Bad Newz Kennels injure or kill the other dogs." ... The report also states in mid-April of 2007, Vick, Peace and Phillips hung approximately three dogs who did not perform well in a "rolling session," which indicates the readiness of a dog to fight.
[Editorial note: But wait... I thought dogs "loved" to fight and it's "natural"... right Vick supporters? Isn't this what you cocksucking apologists always say..?]
According to the report, the three men hung the dogs "by placing a nylon cord over a 2 X 4 that was nailed to two trees located next to the big shed. They also drowned approximately three dogs by putting the dogs' heads in a five gallon bucket of water."
Vick initially told authorities "while he assisted Phillips and Peace in the killing of the dogs, he did not actually kill the dogs," but "helped Phillips toss several dogs to the side," according to the report.
However, the report says Vick took back that statement when he failed a polygraph test. "Vick failed the examination as it related to the killing of the dogs in April 2007. Ultimately, Vick recanted his previous statement wherein he said he was not actually involved in the killing of six to eight dogs. ... Vick admitted taking part in the actual hanging of the dogs."
"THAT SOUNDS LIKE JESUS TO ME!" Jesus the Torturing Liar...yes? No..? Of course it sounds more like Roman soldiers whipping Jesus or poking Jesus in the side with a spear, then casting lots [gambling!] to see who gets the clothing. But as an atheist I'm not made of the same strong moral fiber as the American Christian, and as such my ability to discern these finer points of morality is in question.
Maybe a better properly biblical front cover would have been a picture of Vick with the headline "THE ROMAN CENTURION - WILL HE WHIP THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS TO GOLGOTHA AND STAB TOM BRADY BETWEEN THE FUCKIN' RIBS?"
Why isn't there a torrent of the victimization-wrath and threatening bile that America's meek and mild Christian community specializes in raining down currently upon the failing Inquirer already? It's inexplicable! I'm disappointed. Normally the Jesus soldiers march onward at the hint of a Dan Brown poop-fiction debut, and now one of the top ... what it's down to now, 30?... let's say one of the top 30 newspapers in the country calls Michael Vick Jesus and - nothing! (It should be noted that unlike any other newspapers in the country, the Inquirer and Daily News combine their circulation figures to hide how badly they are both tanking.)
I would hope that maybe the elderly boy-rapists over at the Archdiocese and the propagandizing buffoons at the Inquirer could meet for a big rumble somewhere in the few blocks between their respective offices, then go tumbling over some falls like Holmes and Moriarty and leave the decent residents of the area alone once and for all. Yet not a mumble of protest from Team Stigmata.
In any event, any Christian, Jew or Muslim (and I should think any atheist!) can tell you that it was Moses and not Jesus who led the Israelites toward the Promised Land, although he himself dies before getting there, rendering this - astoundingly - an even poorer metaphor. Is the editorial staff at the paper this intellectually limited? It would explain a lot. Which is sillier - that we're to believe it takes 40 years to cross the Sinai or that it's taking more than 50 years for the Eagles to win an NFL championship? At the very least perhaps I could have accepted a Chuck Berry reference.
As long as Vick is being made a multi-millionaire by this gonad-less region and its sports fans of questionable moral fiber, I will continue to cheer for whatever team plays the Eagles, most especially those teams' linebackers and their ability to place a helmet on a knee. As long as the Inquirer and Daily News continue to dribble out their liquid shit and pretend that's journalism I cheer for their demise as well.
Wednesday, January 11, 7:30pm 
